My journey to self-love …
Three months ago, the man I thought I loved told me I wasn’t the one for him because in his opinion I was “timid” and “self-obsessed”. He said I wasn’t capable of love and that my heartbreak was a delusion. His judgement of me tore my heart like none of my past failures ever have — for many weeks, I felt a pit in my stomach and blamed myself for being who I was and for everything I had done in my life to date to become this timid, self-obsessed, delusional person incapable of love. And yet, three months on, I am emotionally and physically stronger than I have been in the last 8 years. So how did I get from heartbreak to self-care and self-love?
Here was my 7-step plan to deal with heartbreak (at the time, I didn’t have a plan since this is my first heartbreak, and I just did what felt good to me):
1. Cry alone in a dark room for a week, pining for him and wondering why I was not the one — I think it is important to sit with your feelings and let out the angst and longing. (Although now I wouldn’t recommend spending a week on this, get it over with in max. 2 days.)
2. Cry before all your girlfriends- This period made me realise how girlfriends are the closest assets and allies a woman can ever have. It also taught me which of my girlfriends have my back emotionally. There were 4 of them (a mix of London and India) and they held me like a mother would. They made me finally see the reality of this man, and that he was not worth all the pain that I was going through. I see this today, but back then it was like a veil over my eyes blinded with love.
3. Get really angry– There comes a point when the gruesome pain turns into anger, anger at how you gave away all your power to this man who never valued you or your kindness or even your friendship. “I loved him so much” of stage 1 quickly turns into “he is a f*cking a**hole”! And this is when the fun finally begins!!
4. Join a gym– There is nothing better than self-care to heal a broken heart. Health and fitness had always been a key value for me, but my perceived failures over the last 8 years made me go into a shell and I stopped looking after myself. However, the energy of anger (of stage 3), when directed positively, has a lot of power. I joined the best gym in London with the best 21-year old trainer. And now I enjoy my workouts so much that the things I missed most about London when I was travelling in Argentina (more on this later) were my friends, my coffee shop, and the gym! I have lost 5 kilos in the last 3 months, and have committed to losing another 10 kilos by the summer. The interesting thing is that while previously my motivation to get fit had always been to please others and look good, this time I want to do it for myself, to feel good, and to climb as many mountains as I can and paddle as many rivers as I can.
5. Retail therapy — I am not a materialistic person, and even though I worked in investment banking for 10 years, I never spent money on myself. It was almost like I earned to prove myself to the world and to my family, rather than to enjoy myself. But with this heartbreak, I just really wanted to feel feminine and pretty, and I did indeed splurge on dresses, gowns, stilettos, bags, and it felt so amazing! In fact one day I was directed to Old Bond Street as if by a hand of the universe — the street is full of luxury brands (I cant believe that 15 years in London and I had never been here before) and I absolutely had a ball! As long as retail does not become an addiction, I say a girl is entitled to her Prada and Valentino and hot red lipstick!
6. Make out with hot strangers — I grew up in India where there are so many cultural taboos around female sexuality and female sexual desire. Not just in India, but even in the West, sexual desire is seen as a man’s domain, and a woman can constantly feel judged for how she behaves sexually. If she gives too little of it, she is a “prude” and a “bore”, and if she expresses herself sexually she is quickly termed a “slut” and “playing with fire” (I have had both experiences). However, female sexuality has power, and once as a girl you understand that, you can use your agency over your body to derive as much pleasure as you want from it with men and on your own terms. Making out with hot men without any feelings for them is one of the best ways to get over a broken heart (again, just don’t get addicted to it and stay safe!).
7. Plan the most amazing solo adventure of your life — I had wanted to learn how to stand up paddleboard for the last 2 years, and I finally made myself do this in Spain. I was lucky to find an amazing instructor who taught me not just about paddling but also about life. I had also wanted to ride horses in Argentina since 2012, and this time I finally did. I took myself on a 5 week adventure where I finally learnt to love, laugh and live again. I met amazing people from all over the world, did lots of hiking, rafting, canoeing, kayaking, horse riding, helicopter rides and lots of self-introspection. I have come back from this adventure feeling like the bold and amazing and happy woman that I really am (who called me “timid” — go fly, ha!). I also realised the world is huge and there are men of so many nationalities and ages, that it is foolish to ever get hung up on one man!!
So what has shifted inside me in the last three months? The last three months made me realise that all fairy tales girls are fed since their childhood the world over, that there is a man coming to rescue us, is BS. In fact, now I know, I am the knight in shining armour that will rescue me. And my past proves this point:
· who stood by me when my father/family refused to support my Cambridge applications and my biggest dream ever — I did and I stood alone
· who supported me when S bullied me in Cambridge, or when my computer was stolen, or when I almost failed Cambridge, or when I fell in the river in freezing February — I did and I refused to give up
· who showed up every single day without fail at work 9 am sharp despite having worked till 2 am consistently every night for 10 years to make sure I become financially, and otherwise, independent — I did, tired and groggy, but I still did
· who cheered me on when I wanted to learn to row, ride horses, swim, paddle-board, play tennis, ski, despite having no external support or encouragement, and despite working 24/7 for 10 years — I did
· who stood up for me and fought for my freedom when I was bullied at work by my boss or not given credit for my work — I did and I stood alone
· who supported me when I was homeless and jobless and friendless in London in 2016 — I did
· who planned my trip to Argentina and made sure I was safe and happy while I was there — I did, and I bloody did a great job!
There are countless such examples that go to show that I am my knight in shining armour who is capable of bringing the stars and moon to me, my own cheerleader, the saviour of my dreams, my own soulmate. I will be the only one who will stand by me till the time I die. Then why do I seek external validation? If I have done so much for myself, why do I not value myself more? Why do I love myself so much less than I loved him, who did nothing for me at all? Why do I trust others more than I trust myself? Why do I treat myself as not being a priority in my own life? Clearly this does not make sense at all, and so it must be wrong!! Someone at some point told me I wasn’t enough (just like he said to me in October), and at the time I was young and naïve and believed them, but as I have just proved to myself, this must be utter BS!!!
There can be only one conclusion from this — that it is only right for me to love myself and value myself so much that external validation doesn’t matter. Fill my heart with so much love for myself that the rejection by other people cannot even create a dent, because it doesn’t matter, because I am fully capable and competent of fulfilling all my dreams, and of finding the right support for myself at the right time. It is all within me — but I have to make myself a priority, make myself the highest authority in my life (no more “should” and “must” and what society believes is right).
This doesn’t mean relationships are not helpful — they really are to help us grow, but we don’t need them for love. We can share love and happiness that we already have in our lives with our partners, but we don’t need them to give us love because we are totally capable of giving this to ourselves. (And as a girlfriend of mine told me a scientific study concluded that “women can give themselves the best orgasms, without needing a man” — so self-love is now scientifically proven!!). And of course the partner we choose must value us as much as we value our own self, otherwise he is not the right partner (yeah, I am self obsessed and there is nothing wrong with that).
So this is my journey of self-love. And once again I thank him for teaching me the important lesson of self-love. I hope one day he can learn to fill his cup and learn to love himself too, rather than taking it from others.
Priyanka Pri-Pri
January 2020
