What did I learn in 2020…
Usually at the end of every year, I put together a picture collage of my favourite outdoor adventures in that year; it serves as a nice memory in the years to come. However, I do not have a lot to show for 2020 as far as the outdoors and adventures are concerned because 2020 was a strange year, when most of us spent time locked up in our houses. Despite that, 2020 will go down as the most transformative year for me.
For most of my adult life, I have suffered with a constant feeling of “not being enough”. No matter what I did — whether I aced my university exams in India, or won a scholarship to Cambridge, or had a six-figure salary at the age of 27 — I felt unworthy of it all. Whether I built a life in the UK all on my own away from my family, or learnt to swim or ski or ride horses or solo travel to far-off lands, or went down to a size 8, it never felt enough. I never felt good enough — not pretty enough, not thin enough, not intelligent enough, not successful enough, not strong enough, not athletic enough, simply not enough, PERIOD. There was always somebody better than me. While in the beginning this sense of “not being good enough” propelled me to do more and be more, there came a point when it became a constant burden, a constant negative voice in my head that prevented me from achieving my potential.
So in 2019, on the back of a particular hurtful break-up, I decided to do something about this voice in the head. I read everything that I could on personal development — from Tony Robbins to Alan Watts to Eckharte Tolle. I learnt what I could about meditation and spirituality — through the Art of Living Foundation, Bhagvad Gita, Buddhism, and Zen philosophy. And this year in particular, I worked with six different coaches to understand my limiting beliefs, where these come from, and how to transform them into empowering beliefs.
While this is all still a work in progress (as healing is a life-long journey), here are the four main things I learnt in 2020:
A) “I am enough just as I am” — We are not born with feelings of unworthiness. As children, we are pure joy, light, fun and play, all we want to do is explore and expand ourselves. We love ourselves and others unconditionally. But even as early as 2–3 years of age, we start to absorb messages from our environments — our families, media, culture, friends, teachers, relatives. Messages I received as a child were that being a girl isn’t as good as being a boy, or that money/materialistic success/marriage determines one’s worth, or that I am physically weak. At that tender age, we are so dependent upon our environment for survival that we do not even question these beliefs and unconsciously these become the beliefs we live our entire lives by. But once we bring these beliefs into our consciousness and see them for what they really are — someone else’s belief — we are free to let them go, and we realise that our worth was never attached to any condition. Each one of us was born worthy, and once free of other people’s beliefs, we are able to define our own worth.
B) Fear is a lie — In this day and age, we aren’t really faced with the prospect of a bear attack while out hunting for food like our cave-men ancestors. So, on close examination, one would realise that today most of our fears are not physical, but boil down to the fear of not being loved, fear of not being seen as worthy enough, or the fear of failure or making a fool of ourselves. But if we are all born worthy and our worth is unconditional, as discussed above, then this fear must be a lie.
There is of course a difference between fear and lack of skill — I am scared when I am in the ocean but that is because I am not a skilled swimmer (yet!), but this is the type of fear one can overcome with the help of a good teacher and persistent practice. So I say again, all fear is a lie!
C) A successful life is one where I strive to be true to my highest Self — I read Mahatma Gandhi’s autobiography “My Experiments with Truth” where this great man talks about the main purpose of his life being self-realisation. I read this book for the first time when I was 18, and again at 34. Both times, I understood intellectually what he was saying, but I couldn’t feel into what self-realisation actually meant. I thought it was something that is reserved for great saints like him and not for mere mortals like me! But I realised this year that this is accessible to all of us — it is all about listening to the voice of intuition and wisdom that resides in each one of us, the voice that we often drown out with all the noise outside. I have many times given into the pressure from others to do things that did not resonate with me — I have strayed from my path and been tentative which has caused me much despair. Many times, it is the people closest to us — our friends and family — who can get uncomfortable as we start to follow the path of our highest truth, as they themselves have not awakened yet. But we are doing no one any good by settling, by staying trapped in the golden cage. Being true to our own self can create conflict, and require immense courage, sacrifice, detachment and could often be a lonely path with long periods of solitude and being misunderstood by those that love us, but it also offers a richer life experience and an opportunity at achieving our full potential. It’s a choice that each one of us has to make, but for me following my truth is the only way to freedom. As Socrates said, “a life unexamined is not worth living.”
D) The people we surround ourselves with matter — Given our subconscious minds absorb vibes like a magnet, it is so important to allow people into our inner circle only if they meet us where we are at in terms of consciousness or can help us raise our consciousness in some way. In the past, I would allow everyone into my life without a filter because I was kind, in many cases lowering my own consciousness to meet them. But I have learnt now to become more discerning of who I let into my life and let others go with love. Everyone has to take responsibility for their own growth and their own inner work.
Acknowledging all the above is one thing, and embodying it and living it is a different matter altogether. I wanted to write this blog and share it with the world as a way of committing myself to this work and to being true to myself. And hopefully if there are others embarking on their journey of self awareness and self realisation, I am always happy to chat!
This work is difficult, but it is so rewarding as well.
